Sunday, May 1, 2011

Choosing to be blind

It has been a long time since I last wrote....

And hell is real. 

I have been lied too, my heart broken repeatedly, and now my husband, the one who did these horrible things, says he can't understand what is wrong with me....

Really asshole??? 

You yell and raise hell, demean me when I show concern about you, then when I don't, you call me a cold hearted bitch.  Make up your damned mind.  You  cant have it both ways.  But then that is exactly what you want isn't it??? You want to be able to push a button on me and control what I say and how I react.  Go straight to hell.  It ain't happenin.  

Yes, the wall between us is growing taller and thicker everyday.   It has too, or the pain would kill me.  

One day you MIGHT wake up and see what you have done, but I doubt it.... You blind yourself to any wrong on your part and always blame someone else, mostly me or your past wives.  I pity them now, from listening to you talk, I bet you did the same things to them you are doing to me.  Hell, you even blamed your KIDS!!!  And now you have no relationship with any but one, and that one you kiss his ass and roll over and play dead when he says too just because you are scared shitless you will loose him too.  

News flash, you already did.   You are a convenience for him, nothing  more.  You aren't his father, fathers set limits and take care of their kids.  You just wanted to play with him and let him run wild as long as it didn't stop YOUR fun.  So he became a klepto, liar and worse.... and you turned blind eyes to it all. 

Now you lie to yourself and turn blind to my heartache.  It is inconvenient for you... and of course YOU can never be in the wrong, which is what you would see if you opened your eyes....

So, while you hold on to your blindness you are loosing me.... the one person on this earth you loved you. 
When I am gone, you will return to your lonely life, living alone with only your computer acquaintances, infrequent visits from your youngest (when he isn't too busy with his own life to be bothered) and blaming me.  

Yeah, all my fault.... it has to be MY fault you wont come to counseling so we can work this out, it has to be MY fault you loose your temper over me worrying about a nagging cough, CHF, etc and asking you to see a doctor for them.... Oh my, *I* am SOOO horrible for caring!!!  What a super BITCH! 

It doesn't help me wondering when you are going to walk out of the door with the money you STOLE from our joint account.  You think I don't know, but I do.   You can have it, if it gets your heartless ass out then GOOD, keep it and GO.  I wont be manipulated by threats of your leaving.  

So now I say nothing, I have closed off a part of my heart so you cant hurt it anymore. Do you see the deadness in my eyes?  No, I am not bothering you, which is all that matters to you.  

But I choose LIFE and LOVE and so I will move on... I will get on with my life, love my family and be happy....  even if it means without you.