Sunday, May 1, 2011

Choosing to be blind

It has been a long time since I last wrote....

And hell is real. 

I have been lied too, my heart broken repeatedly, and now my husband, the one who did these horrible things, says he can't understand what is wrong with me....

Really asshole??? 

You yell and raise hell, demean me when I show concern about you, then when I don't, you call me a cold hearted bitch.  Make up your damned mind.  You  cant have it both ways.  But then that is exactly what you want isn't it??? You want to be able to push a button on me and control what I say and how I react.  Go straight to hell.  It ain't happenin.  

Yes, the wall between us is growing taller and thicker everyday.   It has too, or the pain would kill me.  

One day you MIGHT wake up and see what you have done, but I doubt it.... You blind yourself to any wrong on your part and always blame someone else, mostly me or your past wives.  I pity them now, from listening to you talk, I bet you did the same things to them you are doing to me.  Hell, you even blamed your KIDS!!!  And now you have no relationship with any but one, and that one you kiss his ass and roll over and play dead when he says too just because you are scared shitless you will loose him too.  

News flash, you already did.   You are a convenience for him, nothing  more.  You aren't his father, fathers set limits and take care of their kids.  You just wanted to play with him and let him run wild as long as it didn't stop YOUR fun.  So he became a klepto, liar and worse.... and you turned blind eyes to it all. 

Now you lie to yourself and turn blind to my heartache.  It is inconvenient for you... and of course YOU can never be in the wrong, which is what you would see if you opened your eyes....

So, while you hold on to your blindness you are loosing me.... the one person on this earth you loved you. 
When I am gone, you will return to your lonely life, living alone with only your computer acquaintances, infrequent visits from your youngest (when he isn't too busy with his own life to be bothered) and blaming me.  

Yeah, all my fault.... it has to be MY fault you wont come to counseling so we can work this out, it has to be MY fault you loose your temper over me worrying about a nagging cough, CHF, etc and asking you to see a doctor for them.... Oh my, *I* am SOOO horrible for caring!!!  What a super BITCH! 

It doesn't help me wondering when you are going to walk out of the door with the money you STOLE from our joint account.  You think I don't know, but I do.   You can have it, if it gets your heartless ass out then GOOD, keep it and GO.  I wont be manipulated by threats of your leaving.  

So now I say nothing, I have closed off a part of my heart so you cant hurt it anymore. Do you see the deadness in my eyes?  No, I am not bothering you, which is all that matters to you.  

But I choose LIFE and LOVE and so I will move on... I will get on with my life, love my family and be happy....  even if it means without you. 

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

on pain and postings

I said when I started this that it wasn't my favorite thing to do, talk about my pain. 

I still avoid it.  

But when I looked into my own eyes a short while ago, I thought " why do I look so unhappy?", oh, yes... the pain.  sigh.... 

I have been in a flare of varying degrees for a week now.  Today started out not so bad, but the pain has increased as the day has progressed instead of perhaps lightening.  

And yet I am determined to cook dinner, the dinner I had planned.  I hope it does not cause me more intense grief, but I know I am pushing myself.   

I have already put off longed looked forward to visits from my family, and that only brings it's own kind of pain.   I am putting them off no more.  If tomorrow I suffer, so be it. I will cook, and I will see my beloved family, even if only for a short visit.  They brighten my day in many other ways, and sometimes the pain is less while they are here.  I just hate it when I can't hold my grandson.  

Wishing you all pain free and joy filled days...

Saturday, October 16, 2010

ARGH!!!!! The blasted change of seasons!!!

I love the fall, I really do!  

But I HATE the pain that comes with it.  

Barometer is climbing, temps are dropping, and I am hurting in my joints in ways I haven't hurt all summer!!!  

Sharp pains with movement, attempts to stand have become dangerous, my knees might give out, or my shoulders as I try to lever myself up to transfer.  

Praying tomorrow is better... praying I don't have to use as much pain medicine as today.  :(  

Sunday, October 3, 2010

days after my wrist/hand surgery

my hand is doing pretty good, pain is much less in it, and able to use my fingers more.  

The rest of my however, especially the right shoulder and my back, are in worse shape.  The struggle I had using the "handicapped" restroom that really WASN'T set up right for transferring from a wheel chair, is harder to get over.  The stiffness and pain are less, but the restrictions on my movement and the pain are still great. I could barely get out of bed this morning, took more pain meds than I like to enable me to move without tears...

When day surgery called to check on me, they not only asked about my hand, but about my shoulder because they KNOW that it is the hospital's fault I re-injured it.

hurting sucks.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


I had surgery yesterday on  my left hand/wrist.  It was a repair of a carpal tunnel surgery done last year when the nerve was nicked.  


It woke me up at 3am, took some pain meds hoping I will be able to get back to sleep.  

Also, hurt my already damaged right shoulder trying to get up off of a supposedly handicapped accessible toliet that wasn't more than 16 inches off of the floor!!!! 

ARGH, hunting and pecking typing, trying not to use my left hand sucks, stopping here. 

hugs and be well folks!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

And yet again

Yesterday I didn't want or feel like talking about pain.  I do get so damned tired of even thinking about it, yet when you are in pain 24/7 it is practically an impossibility to not think about it.  

Woke up yesterday feeling like I had been beat on in the night.  Typical.  :(   Also had several other things going on, part of IBS and lactose intolerance I am not EVEN going to get into here! lol   

Today wasn't as bad in many ways, thank goodness!  I had rescheduled my doc appointment till today, so I was able to make my pre-op appointment, I am approved as long as my blood tests are ok.   

Sitting here now with a heating pad on my neck and shoulder, same blasted shoulder that woke me up last night from the pain.  

Hoping y'all are having better days! 

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Puddle of pain...... again.

The pain runs up and down both arms and across my back  in those increasing waves... despite pain meds.  Breathing hurts.  

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry until I dissolve into a puddle of pain ridden tears....

why can't they cure this???